It really is funny how life turns out sometimes, isn’t it? What do you do when the person you’ve become looks nothing like what you expected, but maybe she’s better? I’ve always been the girl with a plan. Growing up lists, schedules and white boards were my best friends. I had anywhere from a two year plan to a twenty year plan and everything else in between. I even had backups to my backup plans. The one thing I didn’t have a clue about though was life. Real life.
They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Well I should be considered a comedian at this point. I would say it’s not my fault, it’s just who I am, I was born to be strong willed and want to do everything my way. But I know it’s really because I’m a control freak. I know it’s because deep down I don’t really know if I trust that God’s got my back. I am afraid.
Maybe it’s a faith issue, maybe I just don’t believe hard enough. Maybe it’s because I feel like life has taught me to always be looking for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it’s because of all the nights I called out to Him because I didn’t want my life to be “this amazing testimony” anymore, I just wanted to be a girl. Normal.
It’s not that I don’t see the good God has done in my life and the times He’s really been all I had; I’m not that ungrateful. I just don’t know if my mustard seed is big enough some days. I’ve bought into the lie that it’s safer if I’m just in control of everything in my life. Because in the times where I really wasn’t safe, where I had no control, when someone took whatever choice I thought I had away from me, it was at least my fault, right? No reason to be angry at God. I thought that was the worst thing ever, to be angry with Him. Now I wonder if that’s been the problem all along. What if it’s time for me to get angry? To feel all the feelings I’ve been keeping bottled up inside.
Isn’t that what relationship is? Don’t you sometimes get mad at the person with which you’re in a relationship? If you keep pretending everything is alright, nothing ever gets fixed. I’m not saying I should blame all my problems on God either. He doesn’t wish evil upon us, He doesn’t put bad things in our life just to make us stronger, but man sometimes I just don’t get Him, and that makes me angry. He messed up all my plans, didn’t He?
I’m tired of acting like everything’s ok, everything’s “fine”. Most things are ok, most things are fine, but not everything. When we put ourselves in God’s place, to be in control of everything, we make ourselves believe we have to be perfect; and that my friends, is exhausting as hell. Aren’t you tired of pretending?
This isn’t a one and done type of thing. I don’t think that just because I’ve finally decided to let myself be angry at God and start that process of letting Him heal my heart, everything about my relationship with him will be all peaches. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll start to get me there, and that was probably part of His plan all along.
Let yourself feel,