To The Girl Who Lost Herself (But is Ready to be Found)

You start to feel invincible, like nothing could ever hurt you again. Like the trauma of your past will never again rear its ugly head in your dreams. It didn’t take me long to become addicted to that feeling.

This is for the one who hasn’t been herself lately, and not in the cliche, Instagram inspirational post kind of way. But in the, you have no idea who that person is staring back at you in the mirror, kind of way. This is for the girl who feels like a shell of her former self. Who doesn’t know if she’ll ever see the color in the world again. Who’s terrified of never getting her spark back.

First off, I want to make it perfectly clear that you are not unlovable. You are not broken. And you are certainly not what all those ugly voices in your head are saying. What you are is strong. You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are worthy.

I know those are all very hard things to accept right now. Maybe you feel silly, or stupid. maybe you feel angry or used. Maybe you just don’t know how you feel right now. That’s ok, you’re not alone; I’m right here on this journey with you.

No matter what you do or don’t feel the most important thing for you to do right now is forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive the person or people who hurt you. Forgive the universe. Forgive God. It’s no one’s fault, it was just the perfect storm wasn’t it?

For me, it was.

I found myself in a space where I thought I had it all together, I was doing great. I didn’t need anybody or anything. I was the poster-child for emotional health. But on the inside I was hurting. I craved affirmation. I so desperately wanted someone to look at all my broken pieces and still think I was beautiful–that I was worthy of being loved with all my mess. And that’s exactly what I got.

You start to feel invincible, like nothing could ever hurt you again. Like the trauma of your past will never again rear its ugly head in your dreams. It didn’t take me long to become addicted to that feeling. I was head over heels, completely and utterly in love. But then the other shoe finally dropped. I didn’t notice it at first honestly. It was a slow frog boil. I couldn’t understand why I felt so alone, so angry, so scared all the time when I had what I wanted. I had someone who loved me completely unconditionally. But sometimes love just ins’t enough.

I lost myself in a feeling. I could blame it on being young and dumb, or maybe the trauma of my past or even my ex partner. But none of that blame is going to change anything. So now it’s time to pick up the pieces and try to understand how I got here.

I’m blessed in that I don’t have to go through this process alone. I have my family and my friends, and even some special people whom I know have been placed in my life for such a time as this. It took some getting used to for me, however. These were the same people that I spent so much time pushing away, to try to hide the pain I was in. Because I could handle it myself, I was strong enough. And wasn’t it my fault anyway for getting myself that far in over my head? Oh how so very wrong I was.

Maybe you don’t have that same support system. Maybe you’ve stumbled across this piece just as you’re starting to consider leaving an unhealthy situation. If either of those people are you, or even somewhere in between, I’m here for you. You’re not alone. You are not stupid. You have so much light left to offer this world.

It will take time to learn to trust again, especially yourself. But don’t become jaded, that’s exactly what the darkness of this world wants. It is the opposite of love, it hates it, so it will do whatever it can to destroy it. Don’t give up on yourself. You can do this. Be kind to yourself. Be proud of who you are, because I’m here and I am so incredibly proud of you.

 

You are worthy,

Ali